Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
