Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
