we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
