Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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