so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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