I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
