it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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