Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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