I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
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