I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
