Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
