I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
