I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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