fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
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