Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
