Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
