If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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