I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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