you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
