Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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