Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
