I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Never let your siblings swipe right.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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