He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
