just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
