My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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