At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
