Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
