Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize