Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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