Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Randomize
