Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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