Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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