u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
