Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
if only i could text you this smell
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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