I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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