I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
