He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Drunk is not a location!
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
