I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
two words...techno handjob
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
