Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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