I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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