living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
