I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize