I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
