i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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