she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
