Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
