He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
