Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
