I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
