Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize