My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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