i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
