I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
i drank out of a bidet.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
