When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
