why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
