hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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