Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
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