His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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