I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Randomize
