Soap is not a condiment
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Randomize
