i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize