Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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