There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
