I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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