people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
