Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
The struggles of a small town man whore
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
